And, here is what happens after Sal's son taps that icon:

by Jai Flicker

Early on in my work as an educator, I recognized that to help my students truly thrive I needed to support them as individuals, not focus solely on helping them with academic content. It turned out that taking this humanistic approach not only came in handy when a student of mine would come in upset about something that had happened at school, but it also nourished my relationships with students. This, in turn, allowed me to better support them academically. As David Brooks recently pointed out in a NY Times opinion piece: "Students learn from people they love."

For the first several years of my career, I relied on a combination of intuition and common sense to guide my approach to working with students. This was fine, but as my staff at LifeWorks grew I found myself in the position of having to train others. When I went to try to explain what it was that I had been doing that has been working for me, communicating my approach turned out to be more difficult than expected.

Fortunately, it turns out there are brilliant researchers and theorists out there that have devoted their
lives to mapping the territory of human development. When I finally discovered some frameworks that
described in great detail the very phenomena that I had been witnessing for years it came a breath of
fresh air. These theories would help me put language to things that I had previously intuited but struggled to articulate. They helped explain why some of my favorite strategies worked, as well as why some of my less successful ones didn't. These theories mapped out the territory of the interior. Or, perhaps more accurately, they shone light on previously hard to see terrain.

One of the most illuminating theories I have come across is called Self-Determination Theory (SDT). Its
name relates to the fact that one of the keys to motivation is allowing others to chart their own course,
to allow them to be self-determined. This theory has expanded and grown since its inception over forty years ago. Today, hundreds of researchers in dozens of countries contribute to the project of refining this framework, which at its core offers the following insight: When our psychological needs get met, we thrive. When our needs go unmet, we languish.

A student once came to me because, like so many students I meet, she was struggling with math. Her situation was more pronounced than most, but the general story was actually quite familiar to me: She was a bright girl who was struggling mightily in math, getting a string of D's and F's on her tests. 

When something doesn't match up between a student's intelligence and his or her grades, it is usually due one of two things. The most common is disengagement. The student is bright enough, but lacks the motivation to follow through. I have come to see the ability to motivate oneself not as something that "lazy" kids simply fail to do, but rather as a skill that we all must learn at some point. I don't get mad at kids when they don't understand certain math concepts. I teach the confusing concept to them as clearly as possible. In a similar vein, when I see students struggling with motivation I simply work with them on learning to apply themselves more fully. But that wasn't this student's primary issue. There was something else in the way. 

I knew this because this student was one of the deepest thinking, most philosophical students I had ever met. During our first session she talked passionately about her frustration with some of her classmates' views on issues of racism and sexism, for example. And yet she was struggling with medium level difficulty math. She was interested in politics and poetry and Eastern philosophy, but was basically failing Algebra 2. 

I didn't know what the missing piece was at first, so I just started in on the content with her, breaking down each concept into as digestible pieces as possible so she could (hopefully) internalize it more easily. But I could see that something wasn't working. Usually, breaking complex concepts down in this way is enough when some baseline level of motivation is there. But in this case that was not so. 

As I got further into the math with this student, I started to see that her real problem was that she was struggling to make meaning out of her math, on two levels. The first level was the more mundane. Rather than really understanding her math she was attempting to get through it using a purely rote approach. For example, during this first session, she was expected to learn how to do problems involving compound interest. She was struggling because rather than understanding what compound interest was, she was simply trying to remember a bunch of odd looking formulas. Without understanding what compound interest even was, how could she possibly know when to use which formula?

The other level on which she was struggling with meaning was more, well, existential. She, like so many frustrated students, didn't see the point of it all. This wasn't just about asking What is compound interest? It was also about addressing the deeper question of Who cares about compound interest anyway?  

Rather than telling her about all the practical applications of compound interest (which she wouldn't have found satisfying anyway), I talked to her about meaning. Because this students was particularly philosophical in nature, I told her about the book Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. In the book, Frankl relates how he survived the Holocaust, first at Auschwitz and later in Dachau, by figuring out how to make meaning out of the seemingly meaningless existence he repeatedly encountered. Those that couldn't make some kind of meaning out of their experience did not tend to find the will to survive. 

The following week, during my second session with this student, I continued to emphasize the importance of her making meaning out of her math. In practice, this reminder had to do with school. However, because we had taken the time to explore the concept of meaning in a deeper way, when she returned to focusing on the math this notion of meaning held more meaning itself. As I worked with this student, I repeatedly emphasized the importance of letting go rote strategies and challenged her to make meaning out of each and every problem she encountered. 

This approach, of course, took more work, so she was understandably resistant to it at first. Why should she expend more energy on something that she didn't care about in the first place? Helping her shift her focus from learning math for its own sake, to focusing on transforming her relationship with something difficult helped answer this question. But another, even more practical answer was that making meaning out of the math would make her more successful at it. She didn't have to change her approach once and for all. I just needed her to put in the effort to make meaning out of one problem. And then the next. And then the next. After she got each successive problem right, the small but important experience of competence would help justify the extra effort on the next problem. My job was to keep reminding her that her effort led to that satisfying result. At the end of our session, I urged her to continue to make meaning out of her math during the coming week. 

When this student came in for her third session, I was blown away to learn that she had had a complete turn around. She had very much taken my advice to heart and worked hard in class to make meaning out of her math. After a string of D's and F's on tests, she brought in a near perfect score on her most recent test. I was both pleasantly surprised and impressed. She was beaming.

Not every student I work with goes from F's to A's in three weeks. But many students do struggle because they fail to make meaning out of math, or out of any subject for that matter. They get caught up trying to satisfy the demands of their teachers, or just wanting to get through their homework as fast as possible, or they simply don't understand the importance that making meaning holds. From my perspective, much of the responsibility for this falls on us educators. We have a responsibility to teach not only what to learn, but how to learn. Attempting to memorize and apply meaningless formulas on tests is not only a doomed strategy, it demonstrates a fundamental misunderstanding of what math is and how to be successful at it. The fact that so many students demonstrate this same misunderstanding means we are letting too many of them down. The good news is that when we teach students how to make meaning out of their work in school, we can also change how successful they will be with it. 

by Daniel Sherwin

​Single dads are often operating such a complex balancing act between work, parenting, and the many other adult responsibilities demanding time and energy that their needs don’t even measure on the scale. But solo dads need to prioritize their own mental, physical, and emotional health to keep everything else from weighing them down.
 
And, while it may be easier to ignore your mental state as a single dad or simply grab that extra cocktail to take the edge off your stress at the end of an evening, neither option offers an effective way to cope long term.
 
"The way we eat, drink, love, and cope with stress, depression, anxiety, and sadness all play a big role in the state our mental health is in,” according to DrugRehab.org. “Sometimes, it’s necessary to take a step back and ask yourself if you’re doing the right thing for you, and not the easiest thing."
 
Seek Support
Taking a step back is sometimes easier said than done, though, especially for busy solo dads. Moreover, one of the biggest challenges many single fathers face is a lack of contact with people in their position.
 
But single fatherhood is becoming increasingly common, with a record 8 percent of American households with minor children being headed by single men in 2011 compared with just over 1 percent in 1960, according to the Pew Research Center. So it’s easier to find face-to-face support groups and online resources that offer single dads valuable support and perspective on their situations. If you aren’t already involved in one of these groups, take some time to find one that fits your needs.
 
Prioritize Positivity
Single dads might find themselves addressing questions from their kids about why Mom isn’t around. No matter what the answer, it’s important to remain respectful of the other parent. If your child’s mother is actively involved in their lives, it makes sense to come to a consensus about what to tell the kids about the situation and when to tell them.
 
And, even if Mom isn’t in the picture, single dads should try to accentuate the positives whenever the kids ask about her. Keeping things positive and focusing on the good things about their mom will also help you let go of any anger and resentment you might have toward her. If the kids ask a difficult question, be honest to an age-appropriate degree but don’t frame it negatively. You might, for instance, explain that their mother loves them very much, but has made difficult choices and that one of these includes stepping aside so as to not interfere with their development.
 
Maintain Healthy Habits
It can be difficult to do all the planning, shopping, and cooking it takes to put healthy meals on the table every day. To keep yourself and your kids from depending on a drive-thru diet, consider scheduling multi-meal prep sessions for weekends. That will help you put together healthy eats on the go during the work and school week.
 
Combine exercise with family time by organizing activities you can all enjoy together. And, maybe most importantly, cut yourself some slack if you do order the occasional pizza -- especially if it’s after a week’s worth of home-cooked meals and active adventures.
 
Take Adult Time
Single dads often sacrifice their social life for the sake of their kids. But taking some time away to associate with other adults isn’t selfish. In fact, creating connections with others, whether they’re friends or romantic interests, is essential to maintaining mental and emotional health. So if a trusted friend or family member volunteers to babysit for you on occasion, take them up on their offer. Most likely, your kids will have as much fun as you do while you’re away.
 
Many of these challenges aren’t unique to single dads. Indeed, it’s common for parents to feel guilty about taking time for themselves or asking for a helping hand. But single fathers owe it to themselves -- and their kids -- to be the healthiest and happiest parent they can be. 

Daniel Sherwin is a single dad of two and the founder of Dadsolo, a single father support organization.