When it comes to standardized testing, parents often fall into one of two traps.
Some, wanting to protect their teen's self-esteem, downplay the test entirely: "It doesn't really matter. Colleges are going test-optional anyway." Others, wanting to motivate, lean too hard on the high stakes nature of the exam: "Remember, this score will determine where you get in."
Both impulses come from love. But both can backfire.
Telling a student the test doesn't matter can feel dismissive—especially when they sense it does matter. And overemphasizing the score can create pressure that actually undermines performance, not to mention fill them with anxiety.
So how do you strike the right balance?
Two things can be true at once: standardized tests are imperfect measures that don't capture a student's deeper intelligence or worth, even though they can still help open up certain opportunities. Pretending otherwise—in either direction—doesn't serve your teen.
The best approach is to simply have a real conversation. Does your student's target school require or recommend scores? Do they want to take the test just to see where they stand? Understanding their goals helps frame how much weight to give the process.
One of the best ways to reduce anxiety around standardized testing is to shift your focus from the outcome to the process.
Help your student set a target score, yes—but also help them set a study goal. How many hours per week will they commit? What resources will they use? How often will they take practice tests along the way?
This effort target is entirely within their control. And meeting it can be deeply empowering, regardless of what their final score turns out to be. Students who commit to a process and follow through learn something important about themselves—something that extends well beyond test day.
Even with the right mindset, a disappointing score can sting. Maybe they studied hard and it didn't pay off. Maybe a friend scored higher while appearing to spend less effort preparing. These moments can be tough.
When this happens, resist the urge to immediately reframe or reassure. Instead, give your teen space to share what they're feeling. Validate before you encourage: It makes sense that you're disappointed. This is hard.
If it feels natural, you might share a time when you worked toward something and fell short—and what you learned from it. These kinds of stories can help teens see that setbacks aren't dead ends. They're part of a longer arc.
Standardized tests are one data point in a much larger picture. They don't measure creativity, resilience, kindness, or any of the qualities that will ultimately shape your teen's life.
But preparing for them can be a meaningful experience—a chance to set goals, build discipline, and practice managing pressure. With the right framing, you can help your student take the test seriously without letting it define them.
